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A frustrated customer storms into the “The Lively Virus Shop,” gripping a vial labelled “Lively ‘Virus’ Sample.” The shop is a chaotic jungle of test tubes, petri dishes, and wildly uncalibrated lab equipment. A dusty, crooked sign above the counter reads: “We ‘Isolate’ the Liveliest ‘Viruses’ - So you Don’t Have To!” Next to it, a disclaimer in tiny print adds: “Definitions may vary. Refunds, however, are a known impossibility.”

Customer: [Slams vial onto the counter, rings the bell furiously] ‘Ello, I wish to register a complaint!

‘Virologist:’ [Enters cheerfully, lab coat covered in mysterious stains] Ah, yes sir! Welcome to “The Lively Virus Shop,” How can I assist you today?

Customer: Look, mate, I purchased this so-called ‘Lively Isolated' Parrot-Flu 'Virus’ from you not half an hour ago, and when I took it back to my lab… well, it’s dead!

‘Virologist:’ [Gasps theatrically, clutching chest] Dead? Oh no, no, no, sir! It’s not dead! It’s just dormant!

Customer: [Leaning in, fuming] Dormant?! The only thing it’s infecting is my patience! I’ve cultured it in Vero cells, flooded it with growth medium, and still - not a single cytopathic effect!

‘Virologist:’ [Smiling smugly, nodding] Ah, well, that’s where you’re mistaken, sir. It’s just… pining for Trypsin.

Customer: [Livid] Pining for Trypsin? What kind of nonsense is that? Look, I know a dead virus when I see one, and THIS, my friend, is stone-cold ‘virologically’ deceased!

‘Virologist:’ [Nods sagely] No, no, no, sir, it’s not dead - it’s just resting. Remarkable strain, ‘Parrot-Flu 'Virus,’ innit? Beautiful viral coat.

Customer: [Sarcastic, arms crossed] The viral coat doesn’t enter it! It’s completely non-infectious!

‘Virologist:’ [Pointing at the vial] Non-infectious? Oh no, no, no! It’s probably just having a nap after all those PCR amplifications. Happens all the time.

Customer: [Exploding, hands thrown up] NAPPING?! Look, mate, this virus wouldn’t bud if I injected it as part of blood serum directly into the brains of rabbits. It’s deader than Pasteur’s credibility!

‘Virologist:’ [Offended, crossing arms] Oh, come now! Don’t confuse ‘Parrot-Flu 'Virus,’ with the methods used for ‘West Nile River Virus.’ Different procedures, sir! You’ve simply got to be more patient – give it time to regenerate its spikes! Have you tried… [Winks cheekily] adding more Trypsin? Brings out the infectivity and spikes a treat!!

Customer: [Outraged, glaring] MORE Trypsin?! Mate, I’ve dumped that, and every toxic chemical known to science into this sample, and its still DOA! You sold me a dead virus!

‘Virologist:’ [Casually shakes the vial] There, see? It’s… gathering its strength!

Customer: [Furious, pointing] NO, IT ISN’T! You just shook the vial!

‘Virologist:’ [Feigning innocence] I did no such thing!

Customer: Yes, you did!

‘Virologist:’ [Casually shrugs] Alright, sir, let’s troubleshoot. Perhaps the problem lies in your cell culture conditions. Did you drown the cells in antibiotics to ensure it’s free of bacteria?

Customer: [Snaps, exasperated] Free of bacteria? The bacteria are fine, mate! It’s the 'virus' that’s gone to meet its maker! This 'virus' is no more! It has ceased to be! It has expired and gone to that big petri dish in the sky!

‘Virologist:’ [Still in denial, dismissive wave] Nonsense! It’s merely awaiting optimal conditions to display a proper cytopathic effect. Try running the PCR at 50 cycles - that should perk it up a bit!

Customer: [Furious, incredulous] PERK IT UP?! PERK IT UP?! Look, the PCR didn’t detect a single nucleotide! This 'virus' has shuffled off its proteinaceous coil, run down the replication curtain, and joined the bleedin’ quorum invisible! THIS IS AN EX-VIRUS!

‘Virologist:’ [Calmly, with a slight shrug] Well, if you’re that sure, I suppose I could offer you a… replacement sample…

Customer: [Sarcastic, arms crossed] Oh, wonderful. And will this one actually show some sign of life, or will it be as dead as the last one?

‘Virologist:’ [Grinning proudly] Oh no, no, no – this one’s a live one! Just isolated it this morning … from a computer model!

Customer: [Stares in disbelief] A… COMPUTER MODEL?!

‘Virologist:’ [Nods enthusiastically] The algorithms do all the work! No messy lab procedures, no awkward controls – just pure, state-of-the-art digital viroLIEgy!

Customer: [Storming out, shouting] That’s it, I’m done! You and your digital viruses can keep your bogus isolation! I’m off to find a real virus!

‘Virologist:’ [Calling after him, cheerfully] Well, if you find one, let me know! We could use it for the next Scamdemic!

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Factscinator's avatar

Christine’s "Flight of the FOIA" asks the hawkward questions that’ve ruffled more feathers than a rooster doing laps in a hen spa. The squawked responses from the useful tools at innumerable Hellth agencies reveal their so-called ’evidence’ for birdy flu is nothing more than recycled chicken scratch—no eggscuse, just pure, unadulterated chicken shit.

The verdict? These turkeys, caught red-combed in a fowl play hoax, are flapping straight to a long coop sentence at Guano-tanamo Bay—where the only thing they'll be spreading is bird droppings and regret.

And if any of these birdbrains so much as peep about a prison break, they’d better watch the skies. Christine, ever hawkish for truth, will stoop with deadly precision, talons poised. She’ll have these quacks caged back up at beak-neck speed, faster than you can say "avian flu con job."

She is most talon-ted at sniffing out scientific nest fraud, clipping the wings of psyop parrots, and making the pigeons of propaganda sing like canaries on a truth perch.

So fret not, dear flock—the truth is no longer under feathered wraps. With Christine on the perch, no lie shall hatch unchallenged, no fake virus crow shall go uncawed, and no self-declared ‘science’ peacock shall strut unplucked.

Christine’s bird’s-eye view is fierce, her beak is sharp, and the chickens of corruption? They're finally coming home… to roast.

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